Raised: Growing Up As A Girl In The Church

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When I was young, I remember going to an anti-abortion rally in Washington. I remember riding a bus, sleeping under the seats, meeting some catholic teenagers who taught me how to head bang. In Washington, I remember the vast crowds, looking at the different anti-abortion signs, even judging which signs were “good”. I don’t know my age, but if I was able to fit under the seats, I must have been small. Somewhere, either hearing it from an adult or thinking it myself, I believed that my presence meant something in the world. Someone would see me and realize the preciousness that life was and they would decide not to have an abortion. My existence would hold that much power.

So, imagine if you will, me sitting in a coffee shop, today. I’m shaking but not from the cold. I’m crying but the pain is not physical. I spent the morning watching “FOR OUR DAUGHTERS” by Kristin Kobes Du Mez. On purpose, I’ve worked to shelter myself from reviews and other peoples reactions. I wanted to go in with my experience alone and see what came up in the process.

I would love to say this content was surprising or shocking. It’s not. None of it. I can only relate to the experiences shared by each woman. I’m going to work through my notes as they apply to my life. God, it would help if I could stop shaking.

How to Groom a Girl for Abuse

Keep them sheltered

Homeschooling helps. Only allow specific types of content in the house. Tell the kids what’s right and wrong but keep them from accessing “questionable” content at all times. This controls what types of conversations you have as a family. In the “For Our Daughters” movie, Christa Brown uses the metaphor of a fishbowl. This is the only metaphor that makes sense to me.

Raise them to believe in absolute authority

In my house, I was not allowed to say no. Ever. Absolute obedience was the rule. There were no discussions of who earns the right of authority, who to trust, who not to trust, or what abuse looks like. Never say no. This changed later in my upbringing but did not occur early enough to prevent abuse from happening.

Keep them “innocent”

It was understood that knowledge of evil was what made you impure. If I asked questions about words I heard on the radio or outside in the world, parents were shocked, discussions were halted, and I was told not to use whichever word I asked about. Birth control was never explained to me. Either you had sex or you didn’t and that decision (regardless of the context of what happened) affected your entire life.

Guide their future

I have this dreamy memory of standing in the kitchen and telling my mom that my goal in life was to get married and have kids. I remember thinking that this was the highest achievement I could attain. Oddly enough, any time I showed interest in any field outside of being married or having a career, I was given feedback indicating how “hard” it would be or how I wasn’t a good fit for it.

The Abuse

I was abused by a pastor’s son. I’m not going to describe it. The story is my own and I’m not sure the details will help. Sitting here, typing the words out is enough. I don’t know if these words help or hurt. I’m not sure if they affect anything or anyone. But, as I write down each point above, puzzle pieces are clicking into place. I understand how this type of system and environment pervades instances of abuse. This person was in my life for only a short time. But, it was enough to do damage.

The Effects

Self-management

Boys continued to cross boundaries in my teen years. It was my understanding that I was the one to uphold the rules. God, I’m laughing right now but I remember sitting my boyfriend(s) down and telling them where they could or could not touch me. The “rules” didn’t prevent things from happening. I believed everything I wore affected the men around me. Cleavage was a no. As was having a shirt that exposed your shoulders. It was my fault if I sexually attracted anyone. As an adult, I struggled wearing leggings that had giant ice cream scoops all over them. I thought they were adorable (and still do) but in the end, I got rid of them. It was too hard to separate the idea of what ice cream associated with my legs would create.

Late Bloomer

One idea pointed out in the documentary was the idea that those in authority would “see” something in you. I’m not sure where I absorbed this idea but it was prevalent. I attribute this concept to my delay in my personal development.

Ooh shit. Even writing the words “Late Bloomer” makes me realize that had I not waited for someone somewhere in the world to notice me, I might be more than what I am today. This realization hurts. So much.

Don’t Pray for Me

Years later, as a married person, I would not let my spouse pray for me out loud, for a very long time. I’d been prayed over enough and something in me knew this type of interaction was not a safe space for me. It took years for me to be okay with someone to pray for me one-on-one.

The Result

By the end of the documentary, I had a revelation. With all the current puzzle pieces in place, I see what this type of environment creates. While in the ‘80s, the adults around me were taking on the mantel of pro-life and the idea that every life is precious and valuable, what was actually communicated was that I, and anyone else who did not fit into their value system are disposable. I have felt this in churches I have left. When I didn’t follow the script, key relationships in my life have cut me off. The unconditional love of God that was talked about often, was indeed very conditional and I have experienced that, over and over.

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I’m not shaking now.

The good thing is that I don’t believe I’m disposable. I don’t believe anyone is. I’m very pro-life, but probably not in the same way I was raised. I tell you this story because if you have ever felt the same way, I’m here to say that you are very, very loved and that your presence has power. Just not in the same way that you and I were told.

So, what now?

Yeah, I don’t like reading articles about events without being given some type of useful takeaway.

If I were to give you anything, it’s the permission to look at yourself differently. Watch For Our Daughters if you can. I had to watch it by myself. And, after watching it, take care of yourself.

Challenging the beliefs you were raised with can be so hard. Consider this my invitation to you to pull up a chair in the coffee shop I’m sitting so we can sit together. All your feelings are valid. I can sit with you here.

Beyond that, I can’t say. My feeling is that you’ve been given enough orders in your life. Feel free to take the time to figure out what the next right thing is for you. Go with that.

You can watch For Our Daughters for free on YouTube. Just double click the link below:

To learn more about Kristin Kobes Du Mez and her work, visit her website. I highly recommend her book “Jesus and John Wayne”.

Written with A M B E R S T O N E - Beautiful Ethereal Ambient Music - Meditative Relaxation Soundscape playing in the background