What Made Me "Me": The Voices
I like to think I was born in a goldfish bowl. If I were the goldfish, very specific items were set in my tank.
I’d love to say that everything in my tank was placed there for my health. There was a filter, a shelter, and food to eat. But, often, I bumped the glass of my bowl a lot.
I have memories of laying in bed at night and feeling the walls of my house closing in on me. Sometimes, the walls felt so close, they felt like they were inches from my face. I had to reach out and touch the walls to physically bring myself back to the correct perspective. I was in my bed. The walls were at arm’s length. While my body could tell my brain that the walls weren’t closing in physically, I think my soul knew better. It felt the limitations of my world. It just didn’t have the words or the voice to express it.
In my mind, walking through my house, there is a lot of scripture. It’s written on paper taped to the walls. It’s hanging from plaques in the living room, on inspirational posters, and sitting on top of the microwave.
Scripture is everywhere. It’s infused in the books we read. As a family, we read together and separately. We had nightly devotions, and morning devotions (sometimes as early as 5 am). My children’s books had morals and metaphors that explored faithful living. We had big stacks of records with artists like Keith Green, Barry McGuire, Larry Norman, and Mike Warnke.
Some of my books had accompaniment cassette tapes that read the stories out loud. I would sit and listen for hours, switching out tape after tape. Some of my storybooks had records I could play. I have a deep affinity for my 45s. I still wish I had my cassette tapes. I remember categorizing them according to color, and just like rearranging my crayons according to the same pattern, it felt so satisfying.
And, then there were the movies. Anne of Green Gables, Lord of the Rings (yes, the 1978 version), The Chronicles of Narnia (The BBC films), and Sarah Plain and Tall.
All forms of media were highly controlled, filtered, and made available. I don’t remember being limited by when I could listen or watch something. This was my world. This is what I was surrounded me.
But, when it came to scripture, there were some outliers.
My Dad has an affinity for scary films. He had us watch Night of the Living Dead, Tales from the Darkside, Gremlins, and the never-to-be-forgetten Bambi Meets Godzilla.
Speaking of Godzilla, my Dad loved Japanese films. We watched Godzilla, Mothra, and King Kong.
Writing this out, I’m realizing that my family spent a lot of money on media. We were surrounded by music, books, and teaching resources. What we didn’t have a lot of money for was clothes and food. I remember a time when my grandma made some of my dresses. At one point, we lived with my Dad’s parents due to a lack of finances. We rarely updated/fixed the house. If there either of my parents had any plan to make our house into something more, I don’t remember seeing the results of it.
Why would my dad be able to bring things into our home that felt so out of place? To what ends would my parents be spending so much money on all forms of media?
From my memory, two major voices influenced our family.
The first is Bill Gothard. My parents were introduced to his teachings before I was born. Google him and you’ll find lots of resources and opinions, but a great dive into his teachings is the Amazon documentary, “Shiny Happy People”. Time Magazine gives us a glimpse into his thoughts on family life and marriage.
Children must be totally obedient. A religious teenager, for example, should not attend a church college if atheistic parents order him not to. As for a man's wife, she "has to realize that God accomplishes his ultimate will through the decisions of the husband, even when the husband is wrong."
One rule I remember in my house is that I was never to say no to my parents. Ever. So, when my dad would pull my brother and I together to watch another frightening movie to “toughen us up”, I couldn’t say no. And, whatever concerns my mom had on the matter was silenced. According to Gothard, God was accomplishing His will through my Dad. What else could we do?
Because, you see, we were under “divine protection” while we operated under the “Umbrella of Authority”.
According to Bill Gothard, as noted by the Wartburg Watch, if any of us in this hierarchy stepped out of this protection, “you forfeit your place under their protection and face life’s challenges and temptations on your own."
The devil would take us. We would be untethered in the world with no one to help us.
Never say no. Never say no. Never say no.
The second voice that filled our house was James Dobson. We were washed daily by Focus on the Family. This came in the form of books and radio episodes. Lots of radio episodes. I listened to “Adventures in Oddessey” every Saturday morning. My mom would listen to Focus on the Family every day. Focus on the Family books lined our living room shelves. We even had the “McGee and Me” movies. What do all these mass forms of media give us? Salvation.
As stated on the Dr. James Dobson website:
The best approach is found in the instruction given to the children of Israel by Moses more than four thousand years ago. He wrote, "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates" (Deuteronomy 6:7-9).
This commandment provides the key to effective spiritual training at home. It isn't enough to pray with your children each night, although family devotions are important. We must live the principles of faith throughout the day. References to the Lord and our beliefs should permeate our conversation and our interactions with our kids.
It is not enough to be a Christian and, as Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-39, love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. You must surround yourself with scripture, talk about it, and in Focus on the Family’s view, take advantage of their many, many, many resources.
I think I know where our money went.
When we’re born into a family, we think what we experience is normal. We believe our parents are who they are because that’s who they are. We can’t know or understand the reasons why they are doing what they are doing. It’s just the goldfish bowl that we’ve been placed in. And, so we swim, and we swim, and we swim.
But, we can’t grow. And, just like goldfish, it’s not necessarily according to the tank size, but more likely to do with the condition of the water we’re swimming in. When we’re constantly drinking from resources that are polluted or not suited to our needs, we become stunted.
My parents lived by laws set by two men who had no access to our environment, or insight into what our family life was like, and one of them never had experience personally in the teachings he taught so much about.
Maybe these two men should have considered more deeply what scripture says:
Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
What people say in seminars, write, teach, talk about in radio shows, and make podcasts about creates far-reaching effects.
Sometimes, it becomes your whole world.
Oh wow! As I’ve recently been talking with a very special young lady whom I dearly love about some of the same things you mentioned in this writing, at age 66, I’m beginning to see some things I’ve done and said in the past that haven’t benefited my relationships with others. Our religious community in earlier years seemed to rally around men like James Dobson, and we believed everything they taught to be the “gospel” truth and the only way in which to raise children. I felt conflicted, because I wasn’t completely sure that his and others’ ideas were necessarily the best, but I didn’t feel comfortable in sharing my concerns or in doing things differently, for what did I know? Looking back, I now know that I knew more than I gave myself credit for, but didn’t always act upon it. Rather, I attempted to fit in with my community of believers.
If I could turn back the hands of time, I would listen to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit along with my Bible, I would listen to others more and talk less, I would refrain from too much use of religious verbage, I would laugh more, I would play more, I would worry less, and I would always trust God no matter the circumstances. I can’t redo the past, but at age 66 and beyond, I can live life this way now. Old habits can be hard to change, but not impossible. I pray that in this new opportunity of life, that some my past mistakes can be forgiven and restored and that relationships can be better than ever. I’m thankful for you and for the words of another young lady who also shares your thoughts, that you’re not afraid to share with others thoughts that many have, but are unable to express. Your words are freeing and bring healing. I appreciate you.